Compassion Before Conclusion

What Leaders Miss When They Judge Behavior Too Quickly

I gave a friend of mine my eBook about Beyond Trauma Informed.

I expected him to read it. I expected him to love it. I expected him to come back with notes, insights, maybe even a little excitement about how helpful it was.

Several weeks went by, and I finally asked him what he thought.

He told me he didn’t finish it.

And I’ll be honest. I was immediately disappointed.

I wasn’t deeply hurt and I certainly wasn’t angry. Just that quick little drop inside. You know what I mean. That jolt of energy where your brain creates a story before you can even catch it.

“He didn’t care enough to read it.”

“He didn’t value it.”

“Maybe it wasn’t as good as I thought.”

That is how fast interpretation happens.

But then I slowed down long enough to remember what was actually true. My friend has a ton going on in his life. Real things. Heavy things. Things that are far more important than reading my book. It wasn’t that he thought my book didn’t matter. It was that my book couldn’t compare to the real struggles he was facing.

And honestly, I don’t even think the right explanation is, “He didn’t have time.”

It is deeper than time.

His brain was in conservation mode. He was managing what was right in front of him. When life gets heavy, anything outside of immediate survival can feel like one more demand. Even good things can feel costly when your system is already trying to get through the next moment.

You would think, after all the training I do about this stuff, I would have done better.

But that moment showed me something important.

I still need practice.

That is why I love the skill of Compassionate Interpretation.

Compassionate Interpretation is the ability to explain behavior through curiosity before judgment. It is the “behavior makes sense” shift. Instead of quickly assuming the worst of someone, try asking a better question:

What might make this behavior make sense?

That question doesn’t excuse the behavior. It doesn’t mean impact is worthless. And it certainly doesn’t mean accountability disappears. It simply means we are willing to pause before we let our first story become the whole story.

And leaders desperately need this skill.

Compassionate Interpretation doesn’t make leaders softer. It makes them more accurate. It helps them respond to what may actually be happening instead of reacting to the fastest story their brain produced.

And let’s be honest. The fastest story is not always the best story.

I know that because my fastest story about my friend was not the most compassionate one. It wasn’t the most accurate one either. It was just the easiest one for my disappointed brain to reach for.

And that’s why we practice.

Because knowing “behavior makes sense” is not the same as living it when we feel ignored, dismissed, disappointed, embarrassed, or disrespected.

And FYI, it’s been several months since I gave my friend the book. He still hasn’t finished it. And I could really care less!

For paid subscribers, I’ve included a Compassionate Interpretation Practice Path in my Substack. It walks you through three levels of practice, from noticing your first judgment, to applying curiosity in real leadership moments, to using the skill under pressure when your brain wants to react fast.

Become a paid subscriber to access the Compassionate Interpretation Practice Path and start building the skill. I know it has really helped me.