The Question Every Brain Is Asking

Last month I got to do one of my favorite things.

I got to be a proud dad.

My son Torin was performing in his high school’s production of The Trial of Zoey Baker, where he played the role of Nate. As parents, we spend years watching our kids learn, grow, and discover who they are. Every once in a while we get the privilege of seeing them step onto a stage and become someone else entirely.

Torin did an amazing job.

But as much as I enjoyed watching him perform, I found myself unexpectedly captivated by the story itself.

Right now, Torin is probably shaking his head and saying, “Really, Dad? Are you really going to turn my high school play into a neuroscience blog?”

To which I would respond, “Yes. Yes I am!”

I am grateful to have a family who tolerate this sort of thing and readers that do as well. You have learned that almost every experience eventually becomes a neuroscience conversation. Apparently, The Trial of Zoey Baker is no exception.

The play centers around the death of a teenage girl named Zoey Baker and the courtroom trial that follows. As witnesses testify, the audience is left trying to sort through questions of responsibility, bullying, friendship, exclusion, and truth.

Like most people watching, I initially found myself asking, “Who is responsible?”

But somewhere during the play, a different question began forming in my head

“What happens to a brain when it begins to wonder whether it belongs?”

That question is at the heart of more human behavior issues than you would think.

We often assume that belonging is a social issue.

Neuroscience suggests it is also a biological issue.

People have always depended on other people. For most of history, being part of the group meant greater safety and support. Being left out, rejected, or pushed to the margins carried a much higher cost than it does today.

Because of that history, our brains are always trying to figure out where we stand with other people.

Do I belong here?

Do I matter here?

Do people want me around?

Most of this happens in the background. We are usually not aware of it. Yet those questions influence our emotions, our decisions, our relationships, and sometimes even our behavior.

As I watched The Trial of Zoey Baker, it seemed like almost every character was trying to answer the same question, “Where do I fit?”

Some were trying to be accepted.

Some were trying not to be excluded.

And some were just trying to protect their place in the group.

One of the things that struck me about the play was how clearly it illustrated something I have believed for years. Many of the biggest challenges teenagers face are really challenges around belonging. They are trying to figure out where they fit, who accepts them, and whether they matter.

And if we’re honest, that doesn’t magically disappear when we become adults. The setting changes, but we keep asking, “Where do I fit?”

The older I get, the more convinced I become that people don’t leave their need for belonging behind when they graduate from high school. They simply bring it with them into the workplace.

The workplace may look different than a high school hallway, but the questions are surprisingly similar.

Leaders sometimes think their primary job is to communicate information, set direction, and hold people accountable.

Those things matter.

But leaders are also constantly sending belonging signals.

Every interaction answers an important question for the people around them, “Do I matter here?”

The answer that people receive can influence how much they contribute. It can also influnece how much they trust, how much they engage, and sometimes whether they stay or go.

That’s because people don’t just work for organizations.

They work in social environments where they are constantly trying to figure out where they fit and whether they belong.

People are always reading those signals, whether leaders realize it or not.

One of the reasons I think this play affected me so deeply was that it offered more than an opportunity to be a proud dad. It reminded me that belonging is rarely about a single dramatic moment.

Most of the time it is built or eroded through hundreds of small moments that accumulate over time.

A glance.

A comment.

A joke.

A feeling that someone remembered your name.

Small moments, but big impact.

If you have teenagers, I genuinely think you should find a way to watch this play if you ever get the opportunity.

Not because it provides great parenting advice.

It doesn’t!

What it does provide is an opportunity to think more deeply about the invisible forces shaping the lives of young people.

And maybe our own lives as well.

I went to the play expecting to be a proud dad for a couple of hours.

And I was.

What I didn’t expect was to leave thinking about belonging.

Maybe that’s because beneath so much of what we do is a simple question, “Do I belong here?”

And sometimes the most important thing happening in a school, a workplace, or a family is the answer people are receiving to that question.

If this Neuro Note resonated with you, please consider sharing it with someone else, especially a parent of a teenager.

One of the lessons I took away from The Trial of Zoey Baker is that people often need more belonging than they let on. The more we understand that, the better parents, leaders, teachers, coaches, and friends we can become.

And if you’d like to keep learning about the neuroscience behind human behavior, I invite you to visit the training page on my website, https://neuro-la.com/training/. There you’ll find resources and opportunities to continue the journey.

Until next time, keep paying attention to the signals people are receiving about whether they matter. They may be shaping more behavior than any of us realize.